The Remaining Contestants/Candidates

Jake Hollander, Amity High School ’17 

After a crazy season, this nightmarish parody of Dancing With the Stars is coming to the semifinals, so I figure I’ll talk a bit about the remaining 5 candidates. They are just wonderful, wonderful people,  for me. I thank these candidates for being mostly so crazy that I basically am set for writing material. Sit back, relax, and try not to have a panic attack.

Hillary Clinton- President Obama II

Soundbite: “I am Future President Clinton. You will be Ready for Hillary. Resistance is futile.”

Resume: Former First Lady, Senator, lawyer, Secretary of State, and probably Borg Queen.

Strengths: Most well-qualified and Washington-savvy; very familiar with the White House; is endorsed by superspy Jason Bourne under his cover identity Matt Damon.

Weaknesses: Too used to having her public and private lives intertwined that she forgot what server to use; doesn’t quite resonate with the everyone.

Stands for: Regulating Wall Street; deregulating Wall Street; maintaining yet replacing Obamacare; feminism; begging to private prison executives; eating Alpacas whole; whatever works.

Base: Superdelegates

Superlative: Most unpredictable candidate! Duhhh. I mean, I don’t think anyone saw her coming.

Bernie Sanders – Only Liberal Candidate Who Wants Change

Soundbite: “You gonna get free college and healthcare and you gonna get free college and healthcare and you gonna free college and healthcare! Everybody gonna get free college and healthcare!”

Resume: Senator, Representative, reincarnation of George McGovern who doth return to slayeth the newest establishment candidate

Strengths: The Cute Grandpa effect; being liberal WAY before it was cool; populism; beholden to no Super Pac.

Weaknesses: At war with Hillary’s vast and mighty army of delegates. Has so much anti-pac sentiments that he has angered the mighty Pac-man. Viewed as naive by anyone over 40. Viewed as a full-blown communist by anyone over 60. Viewed as another Hitler by too many people for my liking (congratulations tea party idiots on Facebook, you photoshopped a Jewish man into a Nazi uniform, you must feel so proud you [bleep]s!). And Jason Bourne is waiting.

Stands for: Prison reform, universal healthcare, socialism, more social security, free college, more welfare, legalized marijuana, amnesty and free ice cream

Base: College students, Danny DeVito, Ben and Jerry, high school students, more college students, and basically almost every liberal under 30.

Superlative: Most likely to hit a spoiled Wall Streeter over the head with a cane for his corporate greed

Donald Trump- One Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge Mess

Soundbite: “I think the only difference and me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful.” (actual quote)

Resume: Businessman, celebrity, narcissist

Strengths: Ummmmmmmmmm, welllllllllllll, ahhhhhhhhhhh. The media loves him, comedians love him, supremacists love him, everyone loves him, and no one builds walls, banks, leads militaries, or runs nations better than he does. He’s really rich, he runs so many nations, he does nations better than anyone! Sorry, losers and haters, but his self love is one of the highest and you know it!

Weakness: Hmmm, where do I start? @donaldtrump is a racist sexist statist bigoted orange cream puff demagogue. Sad! Is he a real Republican? For him to question Romney’s faith is disgraceful. Bad! He is the weakest GOP frontrunner since Ford. All I know is what’s on the Wall Street Journal. He’s not a successful businessman. He’s successful because he was born rich. I like people who start out from the bottom. He’s a pathological liar. He’s got the worst temper. Look at those fingers! Would anyone vote for those tiny things! Could you imagine them, the fingers of our next president? If he can’t satisfy his two previous wives what makes him think he could satisfy America? He would be the worst foreign policy president G-d has ever created! How stupid are the people at his rallies? I mean, he’s there speaking and you can see blood coming out of his eyes, blood coming out of his… wherever. While I never met @ donaldtrump, I consider him one of the dumbest of all politicians- he has no sense of the real world! #dumptrump If he’s so above it all and legit, why did he change his name from Donald Drumpf to Donald Trump? He should be proud of his heritage #makedonalddrumpfagain

(For more information, read the Wall Street Journal and watch John Oliver’s tirade on him. That was so much fun)

Stands for: Building a huuuuuuuuuge wall, a foreign policy that could best be described as medieval, committing war crimes, a tax plan that would basically double the debt so that people in his tax bracket can get a tax break, and, last but not least, racism.

Base: When Donald Trump attracts more supporters, he’s not attracting our best. They’re white supremacists. They’re violent. They’re racists. And some, I assume, are good people.

Superlative: Single most damaging candidate to democracy in modern American history

Ted Cruz: Slightly More Sane Than Trump

Soundbite: “We’re surrounded by liberals who won’t return to the 11th century. Those crazy people just want to live in a modern world. They may be the majority, but we will obstruct them until they just let us win! And hey, look, everyone else dropped out! Vote for me!”

Resume: Senator, Solicitor General of Texas

Strengths: Remarkably intelligent planner and political strategist. Very good at pretending that he has actually accomplished anything as a senator

Weaknesses: Has accomplished nothing as a senator.

Stands for: Running the country based on his religious preferences and obstructing anyone who disagrees with him at all. Eliminating America’s enemies through war crimes. Expecting the more moderate liberals to reach out to him (sorry, but I don’t think I can reach that far right).

Base: Glenn Beck’s viewers

Superlative: Most likely to start a bar fight and sneak out on his friends when no one is looking

John Kasich- Poor Sweet Summer Child

Soundbite: “I’m the only adult in the room.”

Resume: Congressman, Banker, Governor, Sane Person.

Strengths: Moderate, would appeal to some moderate democrats, makes sense, doesn’t sound like he needs a restraining order and/or straightjacket

Weaknesses: Moderate, would appeal to some moderate democrats, makes sense, doesn’t sound like he needs a restraining order and/or straightjacket

Stands for: Fiscal conservatism, being a nice person, and apple pie.

Base: Republicans with sense

Superlative: Most qualified candidate

Jeff Gallo

Soundbite: “Sup, I’m Jeff Gallo. I’m actually running for president. You can google me.”

Resume: Junior

Strengths: Has sensible policies, doesn’t immediately repel people away from him.

Weaknesses: Jeff Gallo has no weaknesses, Jeff Gallo is invincible, Gallo 2016!!!!!!!!!! (I expect a cabinet position for this, Jeff)

Stands for: Abortion- Women have the right to choose. Gallo 2016 is Pro-Choice.

Gun control: Many people are concerned about gun control due to recent events. We as Americans have the right to bear arms. However not having any regulation can lead to weapons being in the hands of criminals. We do not want to ban guns; we do however support background checks and a wait time to get your gun license. This will lead to fewer chances of guns falling into the wrong hands. Gallo 2016 wants America to have its freedoms but also wants to keep it safe.

Immigration: Immigrants are an essential part of makes America, America. As a country founded and grown by immigrants we must make sure to not let illegal immigration effect legal immigration. Immigrants are essential to America and we must fix the current broken immigration system. Gallo 2016 supports a path to citizenship for the young illegal immigrants.

Same Sex Marriage: Everyone no matter what his or her sexual preference should be able to great married. Although the Supreme Court case has made this the law, they have still not taken steps to enforcing it. Right now a gay couple can get married and then get fired the next day from their job for doing so. Gays have the right to be part of the 14th amendment, which will enforce their rights as equal citizens. Gallo 2016 supports not only gay marriage but also enforcing gay equality in all places.

Taxes: As our platform is equality, we want to provide a support system for the impoverished while also reducing the taxes on the middle and upper middle classes. How will we do this? By implementing better career searches for the unemployed. We have become globalized in recent years but we need to understand that charity begins at home, thus, Gallo 2016 will cut back on the outsourcing of jobs and solve the economic disparity present here at home.”

Base: Amity JSA

Superlative: Most legitimate candidate for president

Well, that’s it for tonight, folks! If I offended anyone at any point throughout the article, let me be the first to inform you that I am not sorry.

Local Man Fed Up With Lack Of Self Defense Opportunities as a Result of New Gun Control Laws

J. Michael Noone Jr., Canton High School ’16

BURNWELL, TX — local resident and gun enthusiast, Bobby Webster, was once again angered at the liberal agenda to implement common sense gun laws. “If criminals don’t have guns, then who the hell am I supposed to shoot in self defense?” Mr. Webster says it’s his right as an American to defend himself with a gun. But now that it’s becoming harder for criminals to get guns, he is less likely to have to defend his life. “They are stripping away my basic civil liberties” he said, visibly angered by President Obama’s latest call to remove illegal guns off the street. His eyes glistened as he thought back to a time with less gun restrictions where he could shoot 10, maybe 12 people a year in self defense. Upon learning that the laws would have no effect on his own right to bear arms, he responded: “Well what in God’s name is the point of owning a gun if you’re not gonna be able to use it on someone else with a gun!? I’ll have absolutely no use for my 38 different handguns, rifles, and assault weapons.” Bobby does, however, have hope that a lack of guns won’t deter criminals from attempting to assault him or break into his home. “I like to think that maybe, just maybe, crooks will still try and threaten my life, trespass on my property, or give me some sort of excuse to take them down with deadly force. My AR-15 is just itching to shoot someone that’s trying to do me bodily harm.” He ended his interview with a call to remove all gun regulation so that he may go back to defending his life as is his “God given right.”