The Remaining Contestants/Candidates

Jake Hollander, Amity High School ’17 

After a crazy season, this nightmarish parody of Dancing With the Stars is coming to the semifinals, so I figure I’ll talk a bit about the remaining 5 candidates. They are just wonderful, wonderful people,  for me. I thank these candidates for being mostly so crazy that I basically am set for writing material. Sit back, relax, and try not to have a panic attack.

Hillary Clinton- President Obama II

Soundbite: “I am Future President Clinton. You will be Ready for Hillary. Resistance is futile.”

Resume: Former First Lady, Senator, lawyer, Secretary of State, and probably Borg Queen.

Strengths: Most well-qualified and Washington-savvy; very familiar with the White House; is endorsed by superspy Jason Bourne under his cover identity Matt Damon.

Weaknesses: Too used to having her public and private lives intertwined that she forgot what server to use; doesn’t quite resonate with the everyone.

Stands for: Regulating Wall Street; deregulating Wall Street; maintaining yet replacing Obamacare; feminism; begging to private prison executives; eating Alpacas whole; whatever works.

Base: Superdelegates

Superlative: Most unpredictable candidate! Duhhh. I mean, I don’t think anyone saw her coming.

Bernie Sanders – Only Liberal Candidate Who Wants Change

Soundbite: “You gonna get free college and healthcare and you gonna get free college and healthcare and you gonna free college and healthcare! Everybody gonna get free college and healthcare!”

Resume: Senator, Representative, reincarnation of George McGovern who doth return to slayeth the newest establishment candidate

Strengths: The Cute Grandpa effect; being liberal WAY before it was cool; populism; beholden to no Super Pac.

Weaknesses: At war with Hillary’s vast and mighty army of delegates. Has so much anti-pac sentiments that he has angered the mighty Pac-man. Viewed as naive by anyone over 40. Viewed as a full-blown communist by anyone over 60. Viewed as another Hitler by too many people for my liking (congratulations tea party idiots on Facebook, you photoshopped a Jewish man into a Nazi uniform, you must feel so proud you [bleep]s!). And Jason Bourne is waiting.

Stands for: Prison reform, universal healthcare, socialism, more social security, free college, more welfare, legalized marijuana, amnesty and free ice cream

Base: College students, Danny DeVito, Ben and Jerry, high school students, more college students, and basically almost every liberal under 30.

Superlative: Most likely to hit a spoiled Wall Streeter over the head with a cane for his corporate greed

Donald Trump- One Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge Mess

Soundbite: “I think the only difference and me and the other candidates is that I’m more honest and my women are more beautiful.” (actual quote)

Resume: Businessman, celebrity, narcissist

Strengths: Ummmmmmmmmm, welllllllllllll, ahhhhhhhhhhh. The media loves him, comedians love him, supremacists love him, everyone loves him, and no one builds walls, banks, leads militaries, or runs nations better than he does. He’s really rich, he runs so many nations, he does nations better than anyone! Sorry, losers and haters, but his self love is one of the highest and you know it!

Weakness: Hmmm, where do I start? @donaldtrump is a racist sexist statist bigoted orange cream puff demagogue. Sad! Is he a real Republican? For him to question Romney’s faith is disgraceful. Bad! He is the weakest GOP frontrunner since Ford. All I know is what’s on the Wall Street Journal. He’s not a successful businessman. He’s successful because he was born rich. I like people who start out from the bottom. He’s a pathological liar. He’s got the worst temper. Look at those fingers! Would anyone vote for those tiny things! Could you imagine them, the fingers of our next president? If he can’t satisfy his two previous wives what makes him think he could satisfy America? He would be the worst foreign policy president G-d has ever created! How stupid are the people at his rallies? I mean, he’s there speaking and you can see blood coming out of his eyes, blood coming out of his… wherever. While I never met @ donaldtrump, I consider him one of the dumbest of all politicians- he has no sense of the real world! #dumptrump If he’s so above it all and legit, why did he change his name from Donald Drumpf to Donald Trump? He should be proud of his heritage #makedonalddrumpfagain

(For more information, read the Wall Street Journal and watch John Oliver’s tirade on him. That was so much fun)

Stands for: Building a huuuuuuuuuge wall, a foreign policy that could best be described as medieval, committing war crimes, a tax plan that would basically double the debt so that people in his tax bracket can get a tax break, and, last but not least, racism.

Base: When Donald Trump attracts more supporters, he’s not attracting our best. They’re white supremacists. They’re violent. They’re racists. And some, I assume, are good people.

Superlative: Single most damaging candidate to democracy in modern American history

Ted Cruz: Slightly More Sane Than Trump

Soundbite: “We’re surrounded by liberals who won’t return to the 11th century. Those crazy people just want to live in a modern world. They may be the majority, but we will obstruct them until they just let us win! And hey, look, everyone else dropped out! Vote for me!”

Resume: Senator, Solicitor General of Texas

Strengths: Remarkably intelligent planner and political strategist. Very good at pretending that he has actually accomplished anything as a senator

Weaknesses: Has accomplished nothing as a senator.

Stands for: Running the country based on his religious preferences and obstructing anyone who disagrees with him at all. Eliminating America’s enemies through war crimes. Expecting the more moderate liberals to reach out to him (sorry, but I don’t think I can reach that far right).

Base: Glenn Beck’s viewers

Superlative: Most likely to start a bar fight and sneak out on his friends when no one is looking

John Kasich- Poor Sweet Summer Child

Soundbite: “I’m the only adult in the room.”

Resume: Congressman, Banker, Governor, Sane Person.

Strengths: Moderate, would appeal to some moderate democrats, makes sense, doesn’t sound like he needs a restraining order and/or straightjacket

Weaknesses: Moderate, would appeal to some moderate democrats, makes sense, doesn’t sound like he needs a restraining order and/or straightjacket

Stands for: Fiscal conservatism, being a nice person, and apple pie.

Base: Republicans with sense

Superlative: Most qualified candidate

Jeff Gallo

Soundbite: “Sup, I’m Jeff Gallo. I’m actually running for president. You can google me.”

Resume: Junior

Strengths: Has sensible policies, doesn’t immediately repel people away from him.

Weaknesses: Jeff Gallo has no weaknesses, Jeff Gallo is invincible, Gallo 2016!!!!!!!!!! (I expect a cabinet position for this, Jeff)

Stands for: Abortion- Women have the right to choose. Gallo 2016 is Pro-Choice.

Gun control: Many people are concerned about gun control due to recent events. We as Americans have the right to bear arms. However not having any regulation can lead to weapons being in the hands of criminals. We do not want to ban guns; we do however support background checks and a wait time to get your gun license. This will lead to fewer chances of guns falling into the wrong hands. Gallo 2016 wants America to have its freedoms but also wants to keep it safe.

Immigration: Immigrants are an essential part of makes America, America. As a country founded and grown by immigrants we must make sure to not let illegal immigration effect legal immigration. Immigrants are essential to America and we must fix the current broken immigration system. Gallo 2016 supports a path to citizenship for the young illegal immigrants.

Same Sex Marriage: Everyone no matter what his or her sexual preference should be able to great married. Although the Supreme Court case has made this the law, they have still not taken steps to enforcing it. Right now a gay couple can get married and then get fired the next day from their job for doing so. Gays have the right to be part of the 14th amendment, which will enforce their rights as equal citizens. Gallo 2016 supports not only gay marriage but also enforcing gay equality in all places.

Taxes: As our platform is equality, we want to provide a support system for the impoverished while also reducing the taxes on the middle and upper middle classes. How will we do this? By implementing better career searches for the unemployed. We have become globalized in recent years but we need to understand that charity begins at home, thus, Gallo 2016 will cut back on the outsourcing of jobs and solve the economic disparity present here at home.”

Base: Amity JSA

Superlative: Most legitimate candidate for president

Well, that’s it for tonight, folks! If I offended anyone at any point throughout the article, let me be the first to inform you that I am not sorry.

Through the Eyes of the Donald

Jake Hollander, Amity Regional High School ’17

Congratulations, you’re reading a work of Donald Trump. This article is going to be huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The little Patriot should thank me for boosting its pathetic ratings. They should send me some flowers, maybe even some chocolates.

Why am I running? It’s not for the money; I’m a freaking billionaire. It’s not for power—my own net worth is more than some countries. So why am I running? I’m running to Make America Great Again! Haha! Fooled you losers! I am running for myself and myself only. I’m addicted to fame and I just want more, more, MORE! You people have been focusing so much on me, a billionaire with a decent amount of business talent who relies on moderately good negotiation skills and the combined wealth and set business empire of his father, that it’s frankly bewildering. Not that I’m against this or anything, by all means, keep worshipping me. I love it. I’m just saying, there are others with at or even above my level wealth-wise who came from more humble backgrounds, but you don’t care about them because they don’t have Acquired Situational Narcissism.

So, what do I stand for? Well, that’s up for the crazies to decide. You see, I’ve been a celebrity of sorts for decades now, and I’ve gotten pretty good at assessing who the crazy hero­ worship people are and what they want. If you played tennis for 20 years and won most of time, you are probably one freaking good tennis player. But anyhow, I have a large group of people in my boat. They’re xenophobes, they’re hawks, they’re crazies. And some, I assume, are good people.

So, my number one priority is building a wall and making Mexico pay for it. Many people are tired of illegal immigration, but some people are CRAZY about it. So I have capitalized on that. I have labeled every illegal immigrant as a dangerous criminal. Just because they snuck in doesn’t make them dangerous, in fact, the vast majority are trying to escape violence and are making a positive contribution to society. But some people want to imagine them all as enemies. And then I took it a step further. I claimed that the Mexican government is deliberately sending the worst of Mexican society over to America. Why? For two simple reasons. A: concrete enemies can be hated more easily. B: Blaming Mexico is easier than you think in America. Whenever we think that they don’t like us, we freaking level them. Back in the 1910s, when we had to deal with the combo of a Mexican gang crossing over occasionally and a dictator who wanted to nationalize Mexico’s resources (many of which we kind of forced them into giving us), we invaded through the north and Veracruz. We also did that in the 1840s, in the Mexican-­American War. My point is, Mexico is the perfect scapegoat, so that’s why I’m treating it as an enemy.

Also, since the crazies love concrete foreign enemies, I’m blaming China a lot. Now, China trades a lot with us, and it’s an interdependent situation. Neither of us can just stop, but we’re the debtors, and believe me, debtors just love hating their creditors. So I’m talking about how much they’re beating us, and citing my own experience negotiating with them, about how all I do is win (win, win, no matter what/ got money on my mind, I can never get enough… Great song, but now it’s stuck in my head) when negotiating with them. Key word there, with. Among the many differences between micro (which I do) economics and macro (which the government does) economics is that in microeconomics between business and governments, we’re on the same team. We’re negotiating with each other, not against each other. They have what I want: low environmental, labor rights, health, and wage standards. I have what they want: jobs. So it’s a win­-win situation. My experience with China isn’t as huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! as you think (I’m trading marking that phrase now).

Of course, there’s more to a campaign than scapegoats. I have very legitimate gripes in my campaign. This is where the good people that I mentioned earlier come in. The first is money in politics. And I know you’re surprised. Why would someone worth $10 billion want LESS influence? First of all, no one has more influence than the president, so I don’t have to worry. Second, I’ve been the power behind the throne. I’ve been the supplier for all too many candidates. And as I saw them beg to me, and voluntarily enslave themselves politically to me, I figured that those losers are pretty detrimental to effective government.

Lots of my supporters also like me for a simple reason: I’m an outsider. Not a Ted Cruz Career Senator Who Picks Random Fights With Mitch McConnell type­ outsider, an actual outsider. And people are tired of professional politicians. Those losers only win because they’re shoe-­ins. No one challenges Mitch McConnell. No one challenges Harry Reid. And they only have to worry about professional nutcases IN Congress replacing them. So who do you think they’ll pander to, ordinary Americans like you (I’m not ordinary. I’m extraordinary), or to the aforementioned nutcases. Hint, if you answered ordinary Americans, you’re a loser.

So, all I really rely on are stereotypes, celebrity status, supposed toughness and some legitimate arguments. Too many people think that Mexico is up to no good, and that China is out to dominate us because they just don’t trust people of different color. Too many people assume that businessmen who spent all their lives in microeconomics are professionals at macroeconomics. And I have those people hook, line, and sinker.

I have prior experience in such matters. I started the birther movement. I questioned Obama’s religion, birth certificate, and college records before, during, and after his release/rebuttal of all of them. Obama takes part in Protestant Christian services and and releases both his birth certificate and college transcripts, and my flock of sheep simply ignored him and put false words in his mouth. Many people are still waiting for the birth certificate that he already released. And when I say that I’ve gotten these people hooked, I mean it. I once insulted John McCain for getting captured. Before you know it, people on the internet are writing about this brand new thing called Songbird, the theory that McCain voluntarily gave the North Vietnamese information without getting tortured. No one cares that he actually was tortured, refused to be repatriated early for fear of giving up information in the process, that the North Vietnamese doctors messed up his surgery and it’s forcing him to live in pain for the rest of his life, or that he received some 17 awards and decorations for his service which involved some 23 bombing raids over heavily guarded military bases and meritorious action during the USS Forrestal fire. And as soon as I got into a feud with Megyn Kelly, my flock then proceeded to hate her, refuse to watch her, call for her to be fired, and just assume that she’s a terrible person. Finally, after my argument with those losers at Fox News, lots of people now refer to Fox as a RINO liberal establishment. My flock will do anything that I tell them to do. It’s just amazing.

Some of you probably are a part of my flock. Let me tell you something. I am using you. You are nothing more than tools to me, and I’ll gladly use or step over you. That being said, vote Trump 2016. It’s going to be huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!™.

Ben Carson: Presidential Candidate or Presidential Controversy?

Ravin Nanda, Concord-Carlisle High School ’19

Republican party presidential candidate Ben Carson has made some controversial, insensitive comments about the recent, devastating shooting at Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Oregon, in which nine people were killed on campus. On Monday night, appearing as a guest on Fox and Friends, Carson exclaimed that he “would not have just stood there and let someone shoot him.” But the reality is that army veteran Chris Mintz did fight back. The gunman, Harper Mercer, shot Mintz seven times, but Mintz is still recovering from the wounds.

Carson leads second in the republican party polls, withholding an estimate of around 17.2% of the polls, following controversial billionaire Donald Trump. Carson’s brash words may have caused a negative reaction among citizens, but this is not the first time he has stirred contention. In 2013, Ben Carson called Obama’s healthcare law to possibly the largest symbol of oppression in our country’s history, declaring that “it was the worst thing since slavery. In a way, it is slavery in a way, because it is making all of us subservient to the government and it was never about the health care. It was about control.”

Also in 2014, Carson “warned” progressives that they could turn the country into the next Nazi Germany. He firmly believed that progressives’ goals were to fundamentally change who we are. “There comes a time when people with values simply have to stand up. Think about Nazi Germany. Most of these people did not believe in what Hitler was doing. But did they speak up? Did they stand up for what they believe in? They did not, and you saw what happened.”

Carson’s extreme comparisons and comments only lead us to wonder what he would really do if he were to be elected in office.